Happy New Year.

The fireworks went off about half an hour ago, so apparently I survived until 2008. New Year just doesn't mean a hell of a lot any more.

I'm sure a lot of that is my age. At 52, even discounting the first few that I was too young to be aware of, I've over 45 of them under my belt. The novelty is gone. That could be part of why the holidays in general are so much of a drag any more.

Another part is that my new family just doesn't celebrate in the sense my family did. Even with the depressive episodes (or maybe because of them) the holidays were always big deals with my family. Filling the larder for the Thanksgiving and Christmas feast always began weeks before the actual holiday. Cooking began several days before with poppy seeds soaking and bread drying for dressing, cookies and pies baking, on good years the Divinity (a white fudge popular in parts of the south) being make and set out, holiday candies set in dishes around the house. All the holidays had their own signature food for dinner. The turkey and dressing, sweet potatoes, corn, cornbread, the usual assortment of veggies, both cooked and in the raw veggie tray to snack on between meals and an assortment of pies (mince meat, pecan, apple, pumpkin maybe more) and cakes (white with chocolate frosting ana a lemon bundt were almost always represented, and sometimes more) graced both Christmas and Thanksgiving. New years was the black-eyed peas and ham, also with cornbread. Not has much deserts for new years, but probably something.

Now, while we do have turkey for Thanksgiving (usually 2 since I do a smoked and my mother-in-law does a roasted), and dressing (but it's a white bread dressing I don't care for), that's about it. Someone usually brings brownies, and there is usually a Mrs. Smiths frozen pumpkin pie. The frozen corn on the cob or potato cassarole aren't even garanteed, though usually present. I probably start cooking first since smoking is pretty much slow cooking by definition, so I usually get up around 4 or 5 in the morning to start the turkey. Other than cleaning the smoker and thawing/seasoning the turkey the night before, no food prep occurs before the day we eat. Christmas is even less. Christmas eve we usually have ham and potatoes. When I first moved here they did Chicken and Dumplings as a Christmas day meal, but that went away. No one else felt like cooking it, so I took over for a couple years, but apparently no one liked my rendition. Now it's up for grabs from year to year. New Years they don't even do a family meal, so we just eat pretty much what we do every other day. I tried making the Black-eyed peas and ham a couple years, but I was the only one to eat it, so why bother.

I wonder if it's because my wifes family isn't partiers? While my parents didn't go out and shut down the bars that often, I've seen both of my parents after they had too much to drink. It was a safe bet that there was something with alcohol being passed around New Years (my parents weren't big champagne drinkers, but sometimes they popped a bottle), and any guest that dropped in over the holidays was offered a drink. We don't have guests. In our case, the house is to big of a mess to let anyone in, and if we did, there's not a clear spot for ME to sit in the living room, much less extra people, and my bed is usually still spread on the couch downstairs (since I don't current fit on the bed with all the junk). My mother-in-law has a couple friends she sees from time to time, but as far as I can tell, they plan their meetings. I've never heard of anyone just dropping in. A difference between north and south? Difference between big and small cities? Difference between social and asocial?

My first drink for New Years wasn't until I sat down to write this. Jose Cuervo straight. I prefer it with Pepsi or orange juice, but we're low on Pepsi and have no juice, so it's straight with an instant iced tea chaser. Aren't I the wild one!

Speaking of wild, and kind of tyeing in with the "another year passing" thing. I think I've found the thing that bothers me most about getting old. While my hair is turning gray and my skin is getting the lovely "biscuit dough" complexion, my mind still wants to be tubing down the river , climbing the cliff face, digging the bands at the bars, and in other ways having fun! Yeah, some of it I could still do, but most of the people I know my age (and few they are) are wet rags, don't party at all! The younger ones don't want to spend their time with and old fart like me, and even if they did, I'd just be the joke, the old guy trying to party with the youngsters. It's a no win situation. Especially being the only one in my family that likes outdoor or drinks! A family tubing trip would be a journey into the gates of hell with this family! "Dirty water!, BUGS!, SNAKES!!!, it's hot, the waters cold! My DS got wet!"

And of course, a lot of the stuff I just couldn't do anymore. Climb a cliff? I get winded climbing a flight of stairs! If I tried, I might be able to get in shape again, but it's a lot harder now than it was when I was 20. And any minor accident? I would guess the bones will go a lot faster now, and heal a lot slower.

So I watch another year go and a new one come, trapped in a body and life that's boring me to death. People say I'm cynical when I wish even one a happy fucking holiday!

Holidays suck.

I grew up in a family with manic depressive women. No judgements, they were all clinically diagnosable. With the stress and expectations of holidays, it was always almost a game to guess who was going to meltdown and get suicidal first. Is it any wonder I always volunteered to work the holiday shift?

When I first met my wife and her family, I was amazed. even with the discussion of religion and politics (the kids were democrat, pro-abortion, atheist/Buddhist/jew, and Mom was a devout catholic republican) there was never a meltdown. It's probably hard to understand for someone from a "normal" family, but to me a holiday with out anyone running to their bedroom in tears threatening to kill themselves was quite a novelty!

Unfortunately, a novelty that was short lived.

This year we had a scene remenescient of my family in my wifes family. It was al started by my son, or maybe my wife or maybe me. Without going into a lot of detail, let just say my son open his mouth about crap that should not have been a topic of discussion, my wife over reacted, and my mother in law tried to tell my wife how to run her family. Things went down hill from there.

Right now, on the 26th of December (actually it's after midnight, so I guess it's the 27th) I'm sitting here half drunk, (don't worry, by the time I finish on the computer I'm sure I'll be the rest of way!) wishing I had to work this holiday.

Maybe it's just me. I'm not Christian, maybe the Karma is telling me I shouldn't piggy back my celebration on other peoples. Solstice was over days before Christmas. Maybe I should just ignore Christmas and focus on holidays with more personal meaning. Maybe I should just blow off the holidays all together. What ever it is. most of my life seems to have been spent dreading Christmas and other major holidays and tiptoeing around during the holidays like a soldier in a minefield.

Whatever it is, it sucks, and I'll actually be glad to go backl to work at a dead end job. Reminbd me next year to avoid taking vacation around teh holidays, and be sure to volunteer if they need anyone to go in for a few hours over the break.

Life sucks, then you die.

I grew up in a time and place where there was a right and wrong. I usually did what was right. People said I should get work experience, so in high school I got a job, and except for a couple of short stints while I was going to college full time, I've work pretty consistently for the last 37 years. I went to college and got a degree. I never got caught doing drugs or driving under the influence. I even avoided piercings and tattoos that might keep people from judging me fairly.

Now, at 50+ years old, I decided my life has been a complete and total waste. There was so much I didn't do because I didn't want to risk my future, and now that I'm living my future, it sucks. I'm bankrupt and can't answer my phone because I don't want to deal with the collection agents that start calling at 7 or 8 every morning.

The fun toys I have accumulated are being repossessed or in danger of being liquidated to pay credit card bills.

People with lower education and less experience that me are being offered promotions they don't apply for, while I'm blown off for what I do apply for.

My house if a health department nightmare and a house fire waiting to happen, and no one in the family will pick up a single piece of trash or even put a piece of dirty clothes in the laundry basket. I haven't even been able to sleep in my own bedroom for months, sleeping instead in the basement. Friends that knew me years ago would be surprised to learn that at the moment my bathroom is the cleanest room in the whole house!

I have to wonder what I bothered for. What good did the school do me? Did I benefit from not having a criminal record? If I were covered in tattoos would my job be any more of a dead end than it is now? At 52+ years old, is it even worth trying to to do anything, or should I go buy a ki and get high...fuck the drug tests. What the hell do I have to look forward to!!